I'm a 26 year old music junkie and Social Worker living in Knoxville, Tennessee. My life is a whirlwind right now, but I'm doing my best to grab on and enjoy the ride!
Chemotherapy isn’t really the answer I was expecting. I knew James was going to NYC to see a specialist…. and I knew it was serious, I just wasn’t really prepared to hear that they thought Chemo would be the most effective treatment. I didn’t cry while I was talking to him…. I’m not sure how I managed to hold it together, but I did. But since I hung up the phone I’ve been a mess. I hate that I’m not there with him when he needs me… and I hate that I don’t have even the slightest idea what we’re supposed to do now. This isn’t what I had in mind for our relationship…. but James and I came into each other’s lives at this time for a reason. God works in mysterious ways… and even if it doesn’t make sense right now, I know that someday it will.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
—Sara Bareilles, “Gravity”
Unknown
Unfinished Business
I dreamed about TJ last night… and woke up with the most horrible feeling. I want to let go of the hurt and the pain that he’s caused over the last 9 years… I just can’t seem to because he won’t let go of me either. It’s like I’m dangling from a roof, and even though I’m not holding on anymore, he has a hold of both wrists… determined to keep me there. He has impeccable timing. Every time I start making progress, he comes back around just to pour more salt in the wound. He knows just what to say, and what buttons to push in order to stop me dead in my tracks. The problem isn’t that I stop moving forward… it’s that I turn around to face him and, in a way, let him in. I spent months, years even, wishing that he would say the words I needed to hear… and now that he has, I wish more than anything that he hadn’t. It’s too late for the things he talks about… we can’t go back and undo the past. I want to embrace my future, which clearly has no place for him. There’s a part of my that wishes we could maintain some kind of contact, but I know we can’t. He will always try to push it to the next level… a place I’m not comfortable being anymore. It’s not that he’s really a bad person, nor am I. In a weird way, we’re like bleach and ammonia: Separately there are good things about each one, but together they’re toxic.
It breaks my heart that we’ll always be unfinished business… there are just so many things neither one of us can say.
